My new life as a NICU mom

Being the mom of a NICU baby is the hardest thing I have ever done. We knew before Baby Morgan was born that she would have to stay in the NICU for a while and I thought I was prepared for that. It didn't hit me until I was being discharged and had to go home without my baby. I would have rather slept in a hospital bed and eaten hospital food than leave that day. The first of many tears were shed that day. The next day is when my new routin started:
Wake up 6:00am
Pump
Get ready
Leave for the hospital 7:00am
Leave the hospital 9:00pm
Home 9:40pm
Eat
Pump
Shower
Bed 11:00pm
Pump 4:00am

Repeat

The hardest question to be asked isn't "how are you ?" or "How is Morgan?" The question I dread everyday is "When does Morgan get to come home?" While I know we are very blesses and Morgan's stay in the NICU will be very short compared to most, it is still hard to hear that question when we don't have a certain date or a hola weight like most people think. Morgan's discharge is based off of her learning ti "nipple" (eat from a bottle- suck, swallow, breathe all at once) consistently. After she starts to take the whole amount she is given on a consistent basis they will allow her to eat on her own schedule instead of waking her up every 3 hours. They call this ad lib/demand. Once she is ad lib /demand she will have to consume so many ounces in a 12 hour period and be consistently gaining weight to come home.
So you can see why this question is stressful to answer five or more times a day through text message.
It is hard knowing that finishing her whole bottle is what she needs to do to move to the next phase. I want to encourage and push her to eat more but I also know that if we push her it will just set wear her out and set her back. Some days (like yesterday) I just want to cry. I know she is working so hard just to eat and every time I am so proud of her but I just want her to do more so I can bring her home with me! It doesn't matter how many times a doctor says "she is still little" or "she is doing amazing for her age" all I can think is I have to leave tonight and I am leaving without my baby.

If there is one thing i am thankful for it is the NICU nurses. They are amazing and the care and love the give to Morgan is what makes it bearable to leave at night. That and the encouragement to call anytime to check on her. You better believe I call at 4:00am when I wake up to pump.

Every once in a while I leave at 6 (once a week). That gives me 3 extra hours to do some Inge at home and spend some time with James. Leaving early is harder than leaving at night. No matter how many times the nurses say "don't feel quilty, you need a break" (obviously they know how moms think) it still takes all I have to make it to the jeep before I cry. I am sure it doesn't help that my hormones are all over the place.

While it is hard to sit here all day, especially when Morgan sleeps most of the time. It breaks my heart when I see how rough of a time the baby girl next door is going through and her mom is never here.  I mean obviously I don't know her story or her circumstances but you better believe I would have to be on my death bed to not be here everyday.
I do see some parents that are here everyday like me and I am amazed we don't talk to each other ( I tried they wanted no part of that.) you would think that it would help to talk to other people who understand how you feel.

I a, so glad I have James. He is an amazing husband. He is my rock and I couldn't ask for a better daddy for Morgan! He is so awesome with her! So much love! I am so thankful for all he has done since I went to the hospital. He leaves a little earlier than I do each day and takes care of the house. He does the yard work, cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. And never once has complained. He knows I need to be at the hospital and he is okay with that! It is hard not seeing him or having that time for our relationship but as I sit here holding Morgan I know it is all so worth it and James was right in the text he sent me yesterday...
"She will be home eventually and this will be a memory"

First comes love, then come marriage, then comes...

Yay! Big news from the Lewellyn house...we are going to have a BABY!!!!  There are not enough words to explain how excited we are! I posted before that we were trying to get pregnant and now we are! Baby Lewellyn should make it's big appearance in August!
We are so excited to find out the gender of the baby early next month (April)! I think it's a girl but James doesn't agree. I guess we will see who is right. We are going to  have a gender reveal party with all of our local friends to announce the gender. We are going to have the tech put the gender in a sealed envelope and then we will find out at the same time as everyone else! Eeekkk how exciting! 
We have a great photographer here in Colorado Springs [JC Photography] she did our announcement photos [more below] and she will also be doing maternity, labor/delivery, newborn, 3 months, 6 months, and 1 years. I can't wait! 
There will be much more to share with y'all as we make our way in this new journey! Stay tuned!


I am also adding some new recipes to that section of my page so check them out!